Ep 5 | Outdrawn: A Sapphic Rivals to Lovers Book Rec

Welcome back to episode 5 of the podcast! Our book for today's episode is "Outdrawn" by Deanna Grey; a slow burn, sapphic, rivals to lovers centered around two webcomic artists, Noah Blue and Sage Montgomery. As the Sage and Noah are forced to work together on a classic comic set to relaunch, they find themselves struggling to work together and struggling to deal with the feelings they are developing for each other.

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:41 Content Warning
• 0:47 Overview (spoiler free)
• 2:48 Plot (spoilers)
• 3:07 Chapter I: The Imposter
• 9:25 Chapter II: The Baby's the Grandma
• 11:37 Chapter III: Depression
• 14:56 Chapter IV: Reconciling Baggage
• 18:49 Flip or Skip

Transcript

0:01

[Intro Music] Hey y'all. Welcome back to episode I know these sirens aren't going to keep playing with me. Hey, y'all. Welcome back to episode five of Flip the Page. Today we're going to be talking about a sapphic romance. Yes, I am aware I'm quite literally dropping this video not even a week after Pride Month ended, but as a great philosopher once said, “Should not every month be a celebration of queer pride?” Content warning for mentions of alcoholism, suicidal ideation and depression. Today's book is Outdrawn by Deanna Gray. It's a sapphic rivals to lovers romance centered on the lives of two comic artists, Noah Blue and Sage Montgomery. After working her ass off to break her webcomic into the top of the charts, Noah finally gets an opportunity to work full time at Harpy Comics, a comic company, taking her on to help relaunch one of their classic comics. Things are finally falling into place for Noah. There's only one small hitch at her new job Sage Montgomery Sage is one of the best artists in the industry. Her raw talent scoring her a quick foot in the door with a full time position at Harpy Comics straight out of college. Though she's been at the top of the industry for eight years, a recent slump has only aided in the plateauing of her career. Working on revamping a mainstream classic comic, however, is just the thing she needs to get her out of her stagnant career. Working on the comic with the one artist capable of trumping her talents, however, was not on Sage's bingo cards. As Sage and Noah are forced to work together, they find themselves struggling to draw together and struggling to deal with the feelings that they are starting to develop. for each other. If you're looking for a good old slow burn rivals to lovers romance with a side serving of yearning, you're in the right place. Sage and Noah are two very different characters, both in outward appearance and personality. the development of their relationship progressed at a good pace. The two characters also hold their own individually and have their own charms. I can't lie, I was surprised after reading the synopsis and peeping the cover, that the book dove into some complex topics as Noah and Sage deal with imposter syndrome, depression, parentification, and other issues. I'm also someone who's very particular when it comes to conflicts within romantic relationships, but I felt the conflicts they faced made sense for who the characters were separately and together. I'm going to be moving onto the spoiler section of the podcast. If the book is managed to grab your interest and you don't want spoilers, hit that little pause button and find your way back to this podcast after you've read it. I'm going to be switching things up a bit in this section of the podcast, so I'm gonna need y'all to just take my hand and walk with me.

Chapter One: 3:07

The Imposter. Imposter syndrome. What is it? Psychologists define imposter syndrome as “self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high achieving individuals.” Raise your hand if you've ever been a victim of imposter syndrome. Don't be shy, now. Hell, my hand is about touching the ceiling. You ain't alone, sis. Through decades of studies on imposter syndrome, Dr. Valerie Young determined there to be five different types: The perfectionist, the superhuman, the natural genius, the soloist, and the expert. Overlap between the types is possible and common. Today, however, we're going to be focusing on the perfectionist and the superhuman, and the target of our focus will be Miss Noah Blue. Now, if you want to talk about somebody with a chip on their shoulder, Noah would be the poster child. Noah comes from a STEM family. Her mama in STEM, her daddy in STEM, and her older sister is in STEM. Noah broke away from the family norm and instead went the arts route. This has been a point of contention in her family. Though her family has supported her financially, it's clear they consider this art thing to be a phase that Noah will eventually “get over”. Despite this, or perhaps to spite this, Noah has grinded hard for years to work towards a full time job as a comic. When she finally lands one she's determined to prove her abilities as an artist to herself, her family, her job, and to Sage Montgomery, her rival since college. It's clear as hell from jump that Noah suffers from imposter syndrome. Throughout the novel, you see her repeating phrases of affirmation to herself, such as “You're meant to be here” or “You deserve to be here”. And Noah struggling to really believe those words. Which brings us to our first type of imposter syndrome: the perfectionist. Perfectionist hive. Stand up! Perfectionists are people who set excessively high goals for themselves, and when they can't achieve said goal, which is sure to happen given the absurdity of it, they experience huge bouts of self-doubt and worry about their abilities, measuring up. Seeking out perfectionism in your craft is a means of proving your ability. Now, Noah sister. Step to the mic. You see Noah’s streak as a perfectionist, reflect in her art style. She describes how verbally over explaining her art led her to find her art style. Her style essentially boiling down to fill that page up. Blank space makes her anxious because she perceives it as wasted potential. By filling in every blank space on a canvas, Noah is giving quite literally, all of herself in an attempt to create the perfect art where the quality of it and her abilities can't be contested because it's spilled out on the canvas. But if you push yourself and give 100%, 100% of the time, at what point do you push yourself too far? To the point where you've exhausted yourself and are running on fumes, or even to the point of possibly doing irreparable mental or physical damage to yourself. When all is said and done, what will you have left of yourself? Moving into the second piece of our two-for-one imposter syndrome combo, we have the next type that Noah exhibits: the superhuman. These are our overcompensating workaholics. People who don't believe their abilities measure up against others, so they work and work and work and work, pushing themselves to bridge that imaginary gap they see between themselves and others. People with this type have a tendency to seek out validation externally, which again, is why they work so hard. To receive that little acknowledgment from people around them. Now, Noah friend, don't go anywhere. I ain't done with you, so I need you to keep gripping onto that mic. As I mentioned earlier in this podcast, Noah was hired by Harpy Comics for her talents as an artist and specifically to help them revamp and relaunch a classic comic. While juggling this comic, Noah also joins a popular webcomic competition with a nice little monetary prize. Sage is juggling both as well. However, Sage is accustomed to a taxing work schedule. Noah, on the other hand, is not and had actually injured her wrist prior to being taken on by Harpy Comics due to overwork. Sage warns Noah about pushing herself too hard. Noah, ignores Sage's warnings, struggling to keep up with two comics while working overtime to match Sage's hours at her job. Obviously, she's doing this to prove herself to Sage. A fool's errand, truly, when Sage already acknowledges Noah's abilities, however silently. Noah continues to work and work and work and work until she crashes. She winds up injuring her hand severely while working on her art. Luckily, Sage's intervention at the last minute prevents a sprain from having turned into a permanent disabling of Noah's wrist. Noah's family feeds into her imposter syndrome with their lack of support and their constant diminishing of the value and legitimacy of Noah's passions and career. Her sister outwardly disparages her career choices due to her low income, while her parents use slick comments such as referring to Noah's work as her “little comic”. These comments aren't things that would instill confidence or faith in one's abilities. You do see Noah taking steps to overcome her imposter syndrome. Her repeated words of affirmation in her abilities are a first step, serving as constant reminders that she deserves to be there. Throughout the novel, as she grows closer and opens up to Sage, you see Sage offering her advice and affirming her capabilities as an artist. Particularly in this new work environment. Having a trusted friend turned girlfriend in this case, who has experience working at this level and with an understand ending of Noah's insecurities, can help contextualize different things she might be struggling with, whether that's artistic choices or workload. Noah also affirms her abilities when she finally stands up to her family and vocalizes the effects their disparaging comments have on her. While saying out loud that this is the career she chose. She's proud of it and she's damn good at it.

Chapter Two: 9:24

The Baby’s the Grandma. Sage. I know you know, that I know I ain't going to just talk about Noah in this episode. Go ahead and take your place at the podium, girl. Sage's upbringing is one marred with poverty and parentification. Parentification occurs when, rather than parents providing for their children with emotional and or practical support, they seek it out from their children. When Sage was 11, her mom got into a very bad accident. Her dad had always struggled with his sobriety, so she was alone with her two younger brothers. When the doctor explained how near-fatal the accident had been. Due to her mom's hospitalization and her dad's inability to hold down a job due to his excessive drinking, Sage, as the eldest sibling, took matters into her own hands, taking care of her mom and brothers. As she grew older and her artistic talents and skills grew, Sage found herself making money from her art and used it to help provide for her family. She talks about how she threw herself into art after a certain time in her life, because it felt like the only way to get her family out of the perpetual hole they always found themselves in. Children like Sage, who become the primary caretaker and providers in their household, are forced to take on a multitude of roles with competing demands years before they should ever have to. This role conflict that arises from juggling so many roles can lead to role strain, where they're unable to meet the expectations and obligations that they have. Although Sage took on the burden of providing for her family, she talks about the fear she alone felt growing up because there were times where she failed to provide enough for their family. Sage also describes the deep anger and resentment she feels towards her family. Her brothers, for not trying hard enough or helping support their family as they grew into adulthood, and her father being a physical reminder of the way she failed to hold her family down. The responsibilities parentified children take on can also create something called role overload, where competing demands overwhelm their ability to carry out their roles. And I believe this is what occurred that Sage to fall into depression.

Chapter Three: 11:36

Depression. Sage's descent into a deep depression arose from the compounding pressures of the many roles she was carrying. I think she reached a breaking point where it was all just too much for her to deal with, and she fell off the face of the map for a month. During the time leading up to this moment, Sage was dealing with the reality that she was still helping support her family well into her adulthood, including supporting her brothers who were now adults, while also dealing with trouble advancing in her career. She describes to her brothers a feeling of being unable to breathe when she fell into depression due to the compounding pressures of still occupying this parental role in her family, as she shifted from childhood to adulthood. Throughout this story, whenever she is forced into this parental role, you feel that depression and those dark feelings creeping in on Sage. Opening up, the possibility of her sinking back into that dark headspace. I personally appreciated this portrayal of depression because it felt real. Depression isn't something you just get over especially when still existing in the circumstances and realities that led you to that depression. In my own experience, it's more so learning how to live and cope with it. Sage was fighting demons not only in her personal life, but in her work life as well. She aspired to take on her own comic within the company, but was denied at every turn. She came up with idea after idea and pitch after pitch, but they were all shot down. Eventually, she gave some of the writers in her company an idea for a story, which led to the release of a comic that blew up and became the face of the company. Sage, was cut out of the process and was unable to use this to get her an opportunity to launch a comic within the company. Me personally, I would have jumped. She essentially ended up stuck in a loop, stagnant in her career, similar to the way she was stuck in an endless loop of providing for her household. Comics began not to feel worth it anymore, which was a life altering realization for Sage. She drew not only to provide for her family, but to keep herself sane and grounded. Drawing offers her as space, the only space really, that she has full control over. Without art, I believe Sage would have fallen into a deep depression much earlier. When she lost touch with that desire and need for art, she had nothing left. Nothing in her life was in her control. I think this reality, coupled with the pressures in her personal life, are what led her to such a dark place where she isolated herself from everyone in her life and nearly self-sabotaged her career. She experienced burnout in both her personal and work life, which was inevitable. You can only burn the candle at both ends for so long. Sage does take strides in the final chapters of the story to prevent herself being swallowed up by her depression again. One major step she makes is setting up boundaries with her family, cutting off her brother's financially, offering them support in other forms like helping them with their resumes. Even just the act of admitting her prior and current feelings regarding her situation to her family, help them understand that she also needs help and support. Sage also decides to leave her company, freeing herself from that stagnant position and allowing her breathing room to explore and grow in her career further.

Chapter Four: 14:56

Reconciling Baggage. When you enter relationships, you're going to bring your insecurities and baggage into them. And that's exactly what the girls did. With Noah, the inferiority she felt due to imposter syndrome always had a direct connection with Sage. Sage being someone in the industry she had known for years, and compared herself to. Noah's imposter syndrome led her to doubt her abilities, which manifested in a tendency to make assumptions when she senses someone questioning or critiquing her. Even if whoever she's engaging with is doing so jokingly or with good intentions From jump, Noah's insecurities are multiplied tenfold when it comes to Sage due to their personal history. Noah not only struggles acknowledging her abilities art-wise in comparison to Sage, but cannot fathom a reality where Sage would reciprocate any romantic interest in her as well. You see, Noah struggle with her insecurities in her relationship with Sage, jumping to conclusions and having extreme aversive reactions to things Sage says or does that Sage may not necessarily mean or is saying in good faith. For example, when the two first kiss, Noah doesn't know what to do with her hands. We, the readers can see Sage finds her blubbering, almost charming as Sage jokes about Noah being stiff. Noah has a visceral reaction to the comment, however, immediately taking offense to it and removing herself from the situation. Just that hint of doubt and judgment from someone, particularly someone she has emotional investment in, triggers her, and she recedes into herself. Sage, on the other hand, is stuck in survival mode due to her upbringing. Especially after her depressive episode. She's so used to relying on herself and maintains a distance from other people. What was interesting to me, though, I don't feel like Sage struggled as much as Noah when it came to navigating their relationship. I think this, in part, had to do with the fact it was Noah stories that helped bring Sage out of that dark place. In their relationship, you see Sage feeling comfort and expressing, a natural desire to be open and vulnerable with Noah. And she gives in to it relatively easily. It's funny because off rip, I did not expect Sage to be the one to initiate reconciliation between the two when they ran into that inevitable third act conflict that caused a schism in their relationship. Sis sure showed me! Noah suggests a breakup after she's offered a solo comic at the company. Sage is not offered this, which she obviously has a negative reaction to while still showing Noah support. Sage takes a moment and recedes into herself a bit to process the news and reassess the next phases of her career. Noah, assuming Sage's retreat is centered around an issue with Noah's accomplishments, suggests they break up to prevent their competitive natures from ruining their relationship with each other. Sage prevents a breakup by communicating clearly where Noah stands with her and affirming her own feelings for Noah, while emphasizing that they keep clear and open communication with each other. Before I get into my rating, I do want to touch on something else. I know I yapped a lot about the issues the two faced, but I feel it'd be a disservice to not touch on the more romantic elements of their relationship, at least for a second. Specifically the yearning that was taking place between the two. It gave very much I-hate-you-so-bad-but-do-I-really- when-Lord-the-scent-wafting-off-the-back-of-your-neck- is-making-me-drop-to-my-knees? Deadass, Sage says verbatim, “I studied the soft curves of her arms, tracing the lines like I would with a pen on paper.” All this while they were still deep in their rivalry. Mind you I need y'all to tap in. Moving onto my rating. This book was definitely a flip for me, and I'm giving it a 4.5 out of 5. It's so funny because I actually love this book a lot more than I thought I would going into it. I loved Noah and Sage together as a couple and love them just as much separately. That doesn't happen often with me. I also appreciate that when they clocked they both were attracted to each other, they didn't really waste a lot of time skirting around it. There was just enough yearning for me between them before they got together, still. Now that I think about it, I wonder if there's a correlation between me wanting to see more yearning and pining from the man in a cis-hetero relationship due to the power imbalance that exists in a patriarchal society versus me not necessarily needing nor desiring that dynamic outside of that. Feel like I just uncovered lore about myself. As I mentioned earlier, when I picked up the book, I had not one clue we were about to be diving into a lot of the topics touched upon. To me, the author did a good job navigating through these heavy topics. I also was not expecting the sex scenes that popped up. I was enjoying my little read, then next thing I know we talking about[REDACTED] on [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] the [REDACTED] out of her [REDACTED] But I ate them up with a smile.

Also PSA: 20:04

Abolish adult literature cartoon covers! I know we ain't supposed to judge a book by its cover, but let ye without sin cast the first stone. I don't know y'all. When I see them cartoon covers, I automatically assume a book is YA, which I rarely read if ever. And I don't tend to pick it up. Imagine my surprise when I look at this cover and see it’s some adult fiction. And before y'all jump me, I love a cartoon. I was sat up in the theater for Into the Spider-Verse, and will be seated for season two of Arcane later this year. So put the pitchforks down! I just don't believe these bubbly ass cartoon covers need to be on adult romance books. Bring back realism! Bring back creative graphic design! Bring back drama! I’d even take y’all switching up the artistic style of the cartoon. Like damn. Until then, me and my household are going to frown at a cartoon cover every time That's it from me for this episode. If you enjoyed this episode of Flip the Page, please drop a like, comment and subscribe, if you haven't. I'll catch y’all in next week's episode. Buh bye.